Rapture … already?

20 May

After making what some would say were the final 1,500 free throws of the Hoops For Heroes initiative this morning, I feel like reflecting on this little matter of the imminent end of the world.

No time like the present, after all. (Nervous laughter.)

Let’s start with this: I’m not sure I fully understand Rapture, or at least the version of Rapture that’s supposedly coming tomorrow. So naturally, I went to Yahoo.

Regarding the prediction of 89-year-old Harold Camping and his ministry, Family Radio Worldwide: They say — through various ads, the proclamation of followers, and some 2,200 billboards around the country — that the Bible guarantees the end of the world will begin with Judgment Day … May 21, 2011.

(Note: Today is May 20.)

Looking for specifics? After a big earthquake on Saturday, true believers will be swept up to heaven while everyone else descends into hell before the world is officially over. At least, that’s the Yahoo interpretation.

Yes, I’m skeptical, if not about the general principle that Believing gets you into heaven, then certainly the timeline. I have no insider knowledge, but I just have to think there’s no way He’d bring this on four days before Scotty McCreery is to be crowned the next American Idol. Too cruel.

Faith in God a plus? Absolutely. A universal deadline of tomorrow? Steven Tyler and I think not.

When the time does come, though, I’ll admit that I’m more than a little nervous about this “true believer” criteria. The devil (nervous laughter), as they say, is in the details, so I’d kind of like to know to what level I am expected to ascend.

  • Believe in God. Check.
  • Don’t make a habit of taking the Lord’s name in vain. Check.
  • Try to adhere to the “What Would Jesus Do?” principle in my daily interactions. Well, I guess so, mostly.
  • Have accepted Jesus Christ as My Lord and Savior. Not sure I’m there yet.

So if, in fact, my skepticism is well-founded, at least I’ve got some time to climb that mountain, and I hope to make good use of it. If I’m wrong, however, I think I’m going to need some Mercy tomorrow to get me where I’d like to go.

Which brings me to this: If we are parting ways within the next 24 hours or so, I may as well share a few last-minute, pre-Rapture thoughts …

  • First, of course, I’m sorry if this rant seems blasphemous, God. Just being honest, and I know you appreciate that.
  • Really a bummer I couldn’t even get to 800,000, but at least this wipes out my mortgage.
  • I’m thinking Arnold Schwarzenegger would have planned this for about a week earlier.
  • A record was set today for the use of the following line: “What are they gonna do, fire me?”
  • Coke is better than Pepsi, Letterman is funnier than Leno, and lakefront beats oceanfront (but it’s close).
  • Has anyone posted the official time of the Rapture? I’m trying to schedule some yardwork.
  • The Beautiful Heth has my blessing to go absolutely nuts tomorrow at the Tilton outlets.
  • Does “I’m sorry for every single one of my transgressions, ever” qualify me for eternal salvation?
  • Didn’t think so.
  • That said, I’m betting the hoop where I go will be 150 feet up, and the ball I’m handed will be loaded with dimes.
  • That was one hell of a run, Oprah.
  • This means none of us get a funeral, correct?
  • Remind me to let Bella and Pumpkin out first thing in the morning.
  • My family’s last dinner will have been pizza and french fries, which is absolutely fine with me.
  • 794,007 down, an eternity to go to 1 million made foul shots.

For now, though, I’m banking on a reprieve, more time for me and for you. I know all this Rapture stuff is pretty intense, particularly with respect to the Camping calendar, and it’s fun to poke fun. But we all know the underlying theme is valid, so thank God — yes, God — for the extra session to get it right.

Today, tomorrow, and all days, let’s just be good.

For more on Hoops For Heroes, with a goal of 1 million made foul shots and $1 million raised for the Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund, visit or contact Dave Cummings at 603-554-7855.

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Posted by on May 20, 2011 in Uncategorized


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